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When watching the Chicago Bears star quarterback Caleb Hanie, one wonders how I could have just called Caleb Hanie a star. The truth is I have no reason to other than I thought it would be a provocative first sentence. The truth is Caleb Hanie is trash. I am not against trash as much as others are, although I definitely see the negative aspects of trash. It smells, it’s potentially dangerous, and it makes others have a bad impression of you when you are rummaging through it looking for food. There are some obvious negatives. Obvious negatives is a great way to describe Caleb Hanie. Lovie Smith repeatedly calls Caleb Hanie the Chicago Bears best offensive option. What perhaps is the most surprising part about Lovie’s statement is he is not totally wrong. This makes two statements now for Lovie where he has not been totally wrong. Any other quarterback the Bears may pick up may actually be a worse option. I have decided to comapre the Bears option with what I feel is the best comparison I could think of. That is types of trash. I have used Ramsey County’s defintions of different types of trash because I love Ramsey County!! Also it was the first link that popped up on google when I typed in “types of trash”.


Caleb Hanie: Although Jay Cutler’s statistics may never pop out at you on a stat sheet, it is important to realize that when your best receiver is Earl Bennett, and when two of your best offensive line members are injured (Gabe Carimi and Chris Williams) on an offensive line that being two of the best members of is worthy of absolutely nothing, your numbers will suffer. Still the dropoff from Cutler to Hanie has been humongous. When watching Caleb Hanie, some common events usually seen vary from Hanie messing up a screen pass, to Hanie inaccurately throwing any pass. When he is on target, it is a fair bet that Johnny Knox. Bennett has not really been involved in the offense. A good guess why is Knox worked with Hanie on the scout team, and Bennett practiced with the offense that was meant to see the field. Since Hanie has made the team worse in every way, I have decided to make the claim that Hanie is “Infectious Waste”, which according to the Ramsey County webpage is usually syringes and needles. If only Hanie had used syringes, the Bears might not be in this mess. On a side note, Ramsey County’s webpage is extremely efficent and has a cool web design. Who knew that Ramsey County would have such a nice page? I almost want to go to Ramsey County now, and perhaps would if it was not in Minnesota.



Josh McCown: According to Wikipedia Dennis Green believed McCown would, “be a great one”. I am not sure why but I find that hilarious. I would say that McCown would be medication waste according to Ramsey County, because he was brought in to help the Bears. I really have no other reason. In fact, the site says that medication waste should not be flushed down the toilet, so this comparison is actually untrue.


Donovan McNabb: He’s food waste and this is obvious. According to sources, McNabb is actually 98% food at the moment. He would not be as bad as an option for the Bears as many think. Are you trying to tell me McNabb couldn’t play on the Bears o-line??? Didn’t think so.


Jeff Garcia: Jeff Garcia still thinks he can play in the NFL, and it is hard not to see Jeff Garcia as the old veteran who wants one more chance to prove himself. You see this character in movies all the time. The Bears should bring him in just to see this play out in real life. I actually have fond memories of Jeff Garcia leading the Eagles to an improbable playoff run. At one point during one of the games, Eagle fans were cheering when Jeff Garcia went down with a big hit. Apparently, Eagle fans wanted to see A.J Feely. I also found this hilarious, and when Garcia started playing well, seeing the Eagle fans cheering for him in a good way made me smile. Although I was on what many doctors would call, “dangerous amounts of medication” at the time, I still have fond memories of Jeff Garcia. That being said, he is demolition waste because he is definitely demolished at this point and I’m running out of trash comparisons.


Brett Favre: No



As you can see, the Bears don’t really have much options. I’m gonna go head and create my own waste real quick. Deuces


One Comment

  1. This was glorious

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