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Monthly Archives: October 2010

This season in the NFL, we’ve seen a shitload of teams mired in mediocrity, and even the good teams seem to be pulling ugly wins out of their asses (see this week’s Ravens/Bills abortion for example.) So, the guys here at Buckwild wanted to provide some beauty to all you loyal readers during this otherwise hideous NFL season. So without further adieu, here’s our Buckwild attempt to make the NFL a little bit more fun to look at.

1.  Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers this year have proven to be the bright spots in the NFL, and would probably be undefeated if Ben Roethlisberger could keep his dick in his pants. Which brings us to our first girl, who is sure to bring anyone’s dick out of their pants. Even RuPaul.

Megan Fox, like the Steelers, has her flaws. For instance, she’s probably a bitch. Also, it’s been reported that her thumbs look like toes. Which is gross. Still, she is extremely hot and her thumb/toe would not really stop us from doing anything but polishing her thumb with our tongues, and we here at Buckwild really like to polish girl’s thumbs with our tongues.

Much like the polishing we do of thumbs, we predict Big Ben will be doing some polishing of his own this year when the Steelers win the Lombardi Trophy at the end of this season. And everyone knows that the Steelers playing late into the season means fewer rapes in the greater Pittsburgh metro area for at least a month. So, in the name of consensual sex, go Steelers!!

2. Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens this year have been sort of an enigma. Sure they have the defense, but no one really knows if Joe Flacco can carry the offensive load. Can the  Ravens can legitimately win the Super Bowl, or is it just another Baltimore fan’s pathetic fantasy (like the Baltimore Colts marching band). Speaking of pathetic fantasy, many nerds have the pathetic fantasy of stimulating James Cameron orally while wearing a skin-tight blue body suit. Which is why the Baltimore Ravens could best be embodied by the blue bitch from Avatar.

Look at the longing in those eyes, the sorrow in her cheeks. This is what Baltimore Col..I mean Raven fans will be feeling at the end of this season. So keep on marching you band of faggots. The Ravens are going nowhere.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals went into the season with high hopes, mostly because they wanted to. They picked up T.O. during the offseason so they can be two players short of having a nice reality tv block on VH1. The girl from I Love New York is probably blowing the whole locker room to keep morale high, or because that’s her only skill. Still, at least she has a skill, which we cannot say for Carson Palmer. So being the hideous attention whores that the Bengals are, they can only be represented by one woman, Mrs. Lamar Odom.

The sister who probably has serious self-esteem issues (or should) best represents this motley crew of NFL outcasts. They might think they’re good, and even tell themselves that. But in the end the product on the field is ugly as fuck. Hello Khloe Kardashian.

4. Cleveland Browns

This year, I’m taking the Browns to the Superbowl. And yeah, I do mean I’m taking a rancid diarrhea laden shit in my trusty old Kohler. Those 1.5 gallons pack a mean punch. The funny thing is, the product the Browns put out on the field year after year is about as valuable as my anal leakage. It’s also about as valuable to the NFL as this actress is to Hollywood.

Yeah, we’re dicks, but you know you laughed. So suck it up and keep reading. The only thing interesting about Precious is precisely just how precious she isn’t. There isn’t a single role in a movie this woman could fill, and there isn’t a single 72 passenger school bus she couldn’t fill. But we’re off on a tangent here. To bring this back full circle, let me just drop some knowledge: The Browns fucking suck.